Make a Smilebox scrapbook

So,  I met Ceaser back in 2001 ...I was a student at Bel-Rea and married to my ex-husband.  We were financially challenged but worked hard and we had 7 cats living with us.  I wanted to become a Veterinarian.

I went to Denver Dumb Friend League  with the intentions of adopting some ferrets.   We picked out two ferrets and they told us to walk around because it was going to take some time to get them ready...... ....I was walking around by myself and all I can remember is that I was standing in front of a panting three-legged dog....he was wagging his tail and he was smiling at me....I was looking into his eyes when I knew...that he was it!!!   He had chosen me!   I canceled the ferrets and took him home the next day.  I remember the staff was so delighted that I would adopt a three-legged dog and were very excited for me and for the dog....I also recall the lady who prepared the paperwork, she laughed out of joy but also out of how funny it was that I had picked out a toothbrush for him because he did have halitosis...lol!  It was so exciting!  My first dog!!!  The staff applauded and cheered as I walked Ceaser out of the DDFL.

Two weeks after we bring Ceaser home, I take Ceaser to Pets Mart....to buy some dog food.  Ceaser and I were browsing when I saw that Banfield Veterinary was offering free heart worm tests.  Colorado does not have a high rate of heart worm cases but I felt it was a good thing to do.  The veterinarian  already could tell that Ceaser was a very unique dog with  special characters..Ceaser had a way to charm everybody!!!  So there we are waiting for the results and I didn't think much of it when the vet tech came back in shock that his test was positive!  I couldn't believe it.  I demanded to look under the scope and indeed I saw the evil worms moving! I was in shock and the vet was like "shoot he seemed so healthy!"....Well...there was no other way but to treat it, I said without any hesitation....I didn't care how much it was going to be...I was willing to pay the $1000 that it was to treat it.   I was very poor back then and the $1000 was all I had, I even had to make payment arrangement.  But I didn't care....I wanted Ceaser alive and cured!!!!  Ceaser started the treatment the following day and spent a night at the vet.  Not only was he abandoned because he had three legs but he was about to be euthanized and he had heartworm!  The story behind his missing leg according to DDFL was that the previous owner had a toddler that Ceaser grew attached to.  They adopted a Golden retriever...the dog went after the baby and Ceaser came in between to save the baby and he lost the leg during the brutal fight...Ceaser did have multiple surgical glue on tons of bite wounds.  The previous owner apparently did not want a three legged dog!...

Ceaser was treated successfully and was healthy and worm free since then.  Ceaser was 4 years old when I found him.  Ever since the heart treatment....I felt like I had his heart and that I had mend his little heart!  It was broken because he was abandoned by the previous owners and then the heart was suffering from physical worms that could have killed him if left untreated.  I mend his broken heart and cured it from worms.....(it made and still makes me feel good).

Ceaser was very human like.  He was very intelligent, smart and stubborn.  Despite his missing leg/arm, his will power to survive and move along was tremendous.  Ceaser did not want to live like a dog.  He loved being with humans and insisted on sleeping in the bed with us every night.  He would sit on the sofas and sit up by the passenger seat in the car.  Ceaser never was confined to the designated "dog areas" like the back part of the car or kitchen or kennels.  People who normally wouldn't allow things for animals found themselves giving in to Ceaser and it became..."well, it's Ceaser so we have to make room or accommodate him"...lol  Ceaser had needs for things such as a pet bed for alone time but he had to have a big comforter to go under and be covered with.  Ceaser was a high maintenance dog and I gave in to all his needs which earned him the reputation of being the most spoiled rotten dog. I even cooked for him, making Oprah's recommended dog dishes for him, my current husband would cook and make meals for him everyday as well, we would take turn.  So overall a VERY spoiled dog and many thought I was ridiculous!!!  But I loved Ceaser and he deserved it...Ceaser was treated like a toddler, he came with us everywhere we went and was attended to like a child.  Everybody loved Ceaser!  The cats didn't like him but he dominated them after awhile...lol, my cats were wonderful too.

Ceaser was getting along great after the heart worm treatment and things were wonderful..lot's of fun trips, events and memories were created after his treatment. 

One thing I find disturbing though...is that...

I took a job at Pet Community Hospital emergency department back in 2002, it was for school.  I remember taking Ceaser,  he would sleep on a pet bed  while waiting for me,....I never thought that only 7 years later...I would return to that same place to have my own Ceaser die on that same very table I watched so many others die on.  I lived in down town Denver in 2002...why out of so many hospitals would I pick  one that was located up north 35 minutes away...why didn't I  pick one closer to my house??  I didn't have any friends or family up north at that time...they all lived down south...the reason why this is weird is because years after my divorce...I did move up north just around the corner from this hospital.  This would be the place he died in.  The staff did change but the facility was the same.

The Veterinarian who was with Ceaser was nice and I am not angry with them but find this difficult.

I watched pets die, euthanized or dying on the table.  Some survivors but many were critical cases and I remember looking at Ceaser thinking how lucky I am to have  a healthy dog!  Felt so bad for a the other owners who lost their beloved pets.  Never did I imagine I would stand there like they did.

Anyways....Ceaser and I became very close and he was very spoiled.  I would talk to Ceaser and whisper things into his ears which Ceaser loved.  Only Ceaser knows what I would say to him.  I treated Ceaser like a child, flat out like a 2year old.  He was with me 24/7.  I loved it!!

Years go by and my financial situation didn't get better which didn't affect Ceaser but it took a toll on my marriage.  Finances among other issues such as standard of living,  wanting to settled down and our life goals differed between my ex(Grant) and I so we decided to divorce.  Ceaser did not do well..he was very emotional and it hurt me to actually witness Ceaser be so stressed out, he would tear up things when my ex moved out....he had a pet bed for many years and I threw it out because it had stains of urine and I wanted to buy him a new one but Ceaser was so upset and I never saw him display such anger...he would tear up the new pillow I gave him and bark all day.  He even had diarrhea...this is not my favorite time to talk about because I was in pain watching Ceaser losing his cozy nest and security, like an upset child almost.  I am going to make this short as this was not a good time and things after this just got worse.  I met my new husband at around the same time and I introduced Ceaser to him..Ceaser showed interest right away and I had high hopes again....unfortunately things didn't turn out that good for Ceaser and I was so torn, my current husband didn't know how strong my bond with ceaser was nor did he know our relationship and we were still so new that I just felt torn...I was going through a life changing time crossing over from 29 to 30's and  I knew that keeping Ceaser the way I have been and having him in bed was not going to last...placing pets before men..those days were gone too....but I couldn't get rid of Ceaser so I would have my friend watch him for me...same thing Ceaser got upset...he would pee everywhere and vomit.  On top of it all Ceaser fell from trying to get up on the bed to me and he fell and broke his back leg!  I treated it of course and felt so bad for him.  I didn't know what to do!  A very dumb mistake I made out of panic and stupidity; was that I dropped him off at the humane society.. only to cry all night and to drive right back the next day to get him back. I promised Ceaser on the drive back home that I would never do that again.  I came back with Ceaser to find my apartment empty because my current husband moved out while I was getting Ceaser back and so I cried all night again...over my husband which at the time was my boyfriend his name is Cary.  The miraculous thing about this is that if you saw us back then and saw Cary's attitude towards Ceaser and how his attitude over pets in general was so different..he liked dogs but not as much I do..(if you know what I mean. I take a step further).  Anyways...you would never imagine that years later Cary would be feeding Ceaser beef jeerky on Cary's side of the bed!!!  Cary once had a dog like Ceaser to him and that side of Cary returned years after this horrible time....  Yay! for Ceaser..anyways...I will get to that later...This horrible back and forth with Ceaser lasted for about two months....I was in constant pain between dealing with Cary, Ceaser and financial stress it was awful...I couldn't watch Ceaser go from sleeping in the bed cuddle up between two people in a cozy home to being dragged to different places and upset.....it was a nightmare....so I had to make a painful and selfless decision to give Ceaser to Colorado Beagle Rescue who found a lady named Michelle.

Michelle was one of those animal lovers that would live her life catering to her pets.  She was an older lady who was disabled( she could walk but had back problems) and was able to stay home all day to care for her pets....she had another Beagle,cats and birds.   Michelle wanted Ceaser right away and I guess she saw what I saw in Ceaser and was able to understand Ceaser the way I did.  For the sake of Ceaser I tried to make friends with her so I could visit, Colorado Beagle Rescue was against it and ceased all contact.   It broke my heart....but I knew he was safe and that Michelle was very good with animals.   She gave him that cozy nest that I could not offer at that time.  I missed him horribly everyday but deep inside, I knew that some day I will get him back....I told myself that this was just a temporary situation until I would get my life back on track.    "Keep Ceaser safe and away from all the drama and things will be fine."  Despite the warnings of making contact which I flat out ignored...I drove to find her address.   After a few months...I sent Michelle a letter with money begging her to let me visit Ceaser and to become friends.   She accepted!  We started to write to each other and I visited Ceaser every 3-6 months.  She changed his name to  Beamer but he was always Ceaser to me and he knew that.  Michelle took great care of him and spoiled him like I used to. (interesting note about the name Beamer, she named him Beamer because he was so white and bright like a beam from the sun, beam of light, he was that to her.  The day he died, our lights in the master bedroom went out, only the master bedroom.  The electrical box is located outside on the side of the house where Ceaser liked to be during the day.  The braker went out only for the master bedroom.  My husband planned on fixing it after his memorial, a few days after his death.  For those days the room was dark and we lit candles.  The TV was moved downstairs and my husband brougth a piece of furniture that was out in the garage in front of Ceasers pet bed in.  My husband never wanted to bring it in but all of the sudden he did that???     So we went to his cremation and the man who preformed the cremation had cleaned Ceaser up, turned the light on in a nice room to let us spend some time with his earth body.  That night, my husband decided to just try to turn the braker on just in case before buying a new one.....it went on!  The lights returned....I know it was Ceaser.!!!!)  what is your input on that? I am going to ask Ceaser about this on our consultation.

Cary and I finally got things together and moved to Washington. My financial status turned and I became very comfortable and stable.  I got pregnant and was corresponding with Michelle....one day after I had gone overseas to New Zealand, I come back with some gifts for her and told her I was sending her a package with some money.  She was excited and said she would call me...a week went by and nothing.....then I receive an email from Michelle's sister informing me that Michelle had died in her sleep.  The dogs were taken away and were now needing homes....I IMMEDIATELY INSISTED ON TAKING CEASER....her sister thanked me and put Ceaser on a plane to Washington....I felt so sad for Michelle...very sad and I know she is in Heaven and she was a blessing for Ceaser and I...without her and without my constant persistence to keep contact, Ceaser would not have been taken care of.  She was a wonderful lady and she was one of Ceaser's angles.  She had Ceaser for 18 months close to 2 years.

The day I went to pick Ceaser up...was one of the happiest day of my life!   Cary had looked forward to seeing Ceaser again as he felt bad and guilty for the years prior when he didn't give Ceaser a chance...now my husband had changed and was looking forward to him.  He had adopted a female St Benard who was only 2 years old, at the time her name is Chea and we thought it was perfect.  Ceaser got along with her right away.

Washington is where I think Ceaser was truly the happiest and fully content.  Emotionally, he was happy when I first found him and I know he had a good time with Michelle.  However, in Washington he had it all....from a dog's view, he had a great time.  He was with me again, we quickly caught up with our bond ( that  never  broke)...he had a female companion Chea, he bonded with my husband, had a beach that we would walk to everyday and he had his fully loaded pet bed with a comforter next to my bed, he was not allowed to sleep on the bed but would come up everyday for a little bit to hang out and to spend time with us.  Cary would feed them jerky on the bed and we cooked for them everyday.

Ceaser developed arthritis and I would take him to the vet for regular check-ups. Overall...I kept him pain-free as much as I could.

One day on the way to the vet..Ceaser saw a cat...before I could put the leash on, he takes off full speed ...the cat had him run off...Ceaser runs into the neighbors yard which was not gated off and on the other side of the beautiful green grass...was a steep 150 ft cliff over a rocky shore ......Ceaser fell off that cliff...my heart stopped..." I Iost him" I thought!  My heart sank, I felt sick and speechless...then I heard a bark!  The neighbour and I heard the bark and we smiled and said....he is alive...I called the fire department ....it was quite the rescue....he had fallen 50tf..and landed on a branch that was sticking out on a small plateau...had that branch and plateau not been there he would have died.

Ceaser survived another close call.....DDFL, heartworm, shelters,  broken leg, divorce, Michelle's sudden death, heat stroke...and then this fall.   I promised I would be there for him.....Ceaser made it to the vet appointment which was delayed due to the fall...and he was not injured...he did get some meds for aches...and slept that afternoon.  We all agreed that Ceaser had 9 lives!  Locally everybody knew what had happened to the " Beagle who survived a fall! He became a little popular."

Ceaser, Chea, Cary and I had built a cozy nest and I was 6months pregnant!

Well..months went by and Ceaser was very happy. He saw my son being born and grow. 

We have another dog named Chea who is a female St Bernard.  My husband got her while Ceaser was with Michelle, we were not living together at the time.  Chea is half Ceaser's age but Ceaser and Chea became close and they very close when we moved back to Colorado.  When we moved back to Colorado, Cale had grown to be a handful...a very demanding wonderful baby but he was very active.  We were concerned with the dogs and I knew that since Ceaser was getting older and preferred peace and quiet while laying on his bed...Cale would go up and pull on him and make loud noise etc...

Cale of course is an innocent baby with no intentions of harm at all...doesn't understand at this point.  We noticed that Ceaser who can't talk human language, he can't say "stop, that hurts", so he would growl instead...it is his natural defense.  I understand this but some thought I went too far with loving my dog.  I decided for every body's sake and safety, to separate the dogs from Cale until Cale got older and calmer. ( In fact we are planning on building a home and we had great plans on building something special for the dogs so they could come in and have a nice room).  Anyways...I made half of the garage into their room.  The garage was clean because it was  a new house and I placed carpet on the floor,  a sofa, couple of pet beds with comforters and a heated blanket.  We didn't park the car in there because of the dogs. It had a door for the backyard and on days it was warm we kept it open so they could go in and out....

It was a big change for Ceaser....since he was used to being in the house next to my bed or on the bed...for almost ten years...but he actually adapted pretty well and I think he liked the backyard and Chea's company.  Our laundry room is right in front of the garage door to the inside of the house and on cold nights I would bring Ceaser's pet bed and blankets and have him sleep there with Chea.  I would place a baby safety gate so Cale couldn't go in. ( 90% of Ceaser's life was spent fully indoors and the other 10 outside.)

 The last couple of months before his death...I became very consumed by Cale...I tried to spend some time with the dogs but...It wasn't nearly as much as in Washington or years prior to that.  I still would get up to Ceaser's bark which echoed through the house whenever he would tell me that it was time to get up and open the door for him to go potty and to say good morning, this I did no matter what...I always responded to his bark no matter how tired I was.

 

The first Monday following his death .....I woke up that morning to that same very bark...I swore it was him, in fact I KNOW it was him...I for a split second I thought..."oh his death was just a dream, he is downstairs"....then I turn to the nightstand and saw his collar and I knew it was not a dream....he woke  me up so I would catch the cremation man on time for him to pick up Ceaser 's body from the vet.   I remember going to bed Sunday thinking I have to get up by 8am  so I can call him.  And so I did thanks to Ceaser.

 

Guilt of not spending time with Ceaser towards the end is overwhelming at times...Anytime I go out to the garage or the backyard...I feel a heavy cloak of guilt, anger and sadness of why "I didn't do this or that"...come over me.

One month ago...I fed the dogs...some left over Chinese food.  I have given them small amounts of left overs before and no big deal...this time the portion was larger....the following day...I go to give Ceaser his arthritis pain med as usual...when I noticed that he was shaking ...I thought it was his arthritis because it use to do that at times..so I get an extra pill, wrap it in ham.  Ceaser normally would gulp it right down but this time he had no interest.  He didn't want it and he didn't move, I knew something was wrong, I gave him water and he drank it but vomited shortly after...I knew something was wrong and that he was sick. My husband took look at him and we brought him inside the house for him to rest....we kept him inside with towels and blankets.  We thougth that he was ill from too much Chinese and so we thougth that maybe he just needed to get it all out and then he would be fine because I also got sick one time form Chinese and remember just vomiting for a night and then was fine by the morning.

It was Friday, I called my regular vet but they were fully booked and suggested the urgent care.  I decided like an idiot to give it the night and if he was still vomiting in the morning I would take him in.  (out of all the people, I should have known, I once studied to become a vet!!!!)

The next morning Ceaser was lying in the middle of our living room...his gums were pale and he was very weak...I drove to the pet community hospital (where I worked at that one time with Ceaser).  It was 7:30 am and I was rushing...by the time I got there it was 8 am....the vet told me that he was in critical condition and I think I fell into a subconscious shock...I wasn't hearing her when she was telling me how bad he was...all I kept on saying was...get him fluids and treat it so I can come and pick him up....I even started to show concerns over the cost????  I had the money...???  I was in denial.

They take him in, I go in to visit him and tell him that I was going to be right back....why didn't I stay???  I thought  for sure that he was going to be fine that's why...he was going to get fluids and the be fine...so I go home..an hour later..the Vet calls me and she tells me to go back because Ceaser is starting to cry and it isn't looking good.  During the two hours I was gone, I was quickly doing research to see if surgery would help etc...I was still in denial.  They said acute pancreatitis possibly from the Chinese.

He was in severe pain and something came over me....I have to go back..we drive back..my husband is praying and the drive was the slowest drive...I wanted to hurry and get there.  I got there and ran in.....Ceaser was alive but I could tell that he was already leaving...he was waiting for me to get there.....Even the Dr who does not anthromorphosize...said that she knew that he waited for me. 

He hung on..I was with him for a few minutes talked to the vet tech who was with him and asked them to induce more pain medication to ease his pain...

I petted him and started to cry...I whispered the words only he knows what they are...seconds later he went into cardiac arrest...at that moment I experienced his soul and spirit leave...the vet tech performed CPR per my request even though I knew...he was gone....I saw his last breath leave...the look in his eyes were gone, the soul that would shine through his eyes were gone and had been lifted.  First I felt relieved for his pain is gone but then I felt numb and then.....the awareness kicked in, all in a matter of minutes then.........I felt the pain......and the tears came gushing down......

The first thing I removed was his collar and put it in my bag.  It was 05/02/2009 around 12:30 he was 12 years old.

I demanded a private cremation and was there to see him go in....

Chea followed me thought the house when I carried the urn with his collar around it...the scent and the jingle from the collar...she knows it s Ceaser.  She was looking for him and I know he misses him.

Ceaser's gift to me was to let me know that what we had was REAL..not just a made-up feeling as I went because that is what I wanted to believe it was..or that it was anthromorphosism.  It was real..and he confirmed what I already knew that Saturday morning when I saw him wait for me.  I witnessed and felt his soul leave and his earth body which just wasn't the same, the eyes without the soul were empty..........eyes without a soul are empty.  What connected me with Ceaser the first time I saw him was his eyes full of life and soul. 

I have read so much since Ceaser's passing and have connected with him many times since..which I will talk about during the phone call.  Ceaser woke my spirituality and I do not take life for granted anymore. 

Two weeks later, exactly two weeks later...Cary tells me that  there is a dead baby bird on our driveway..right in front

of where Ceaser use to be in the garage...I picked it up and wrapped it up in newspaper and placed it under a tree next to the drive way. 

Was that a gift from Ceaser ?  We never had that happen before.

I have so much memories with Ceaser and it would take a book to write them all down.
Ceaser will remain in my heart forever and I will always feel connected to him. I know when he is visiting me from
Heaven and I cherish those moments. I look forward to his visits everyday.
Ceaser was truly a very, very unique dog, he was the first to teach me the meaning of true unconditional love, loyalty and how to survive life's obstacles, his will to live would bring tears to my eyes.

Thank you for reading......